i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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