I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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