i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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