I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
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If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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