I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
