i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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