um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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