Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
