My room smells like vodka and shame
look no pants
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
