I wannas sexs uuuuu
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
