Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
