I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
