maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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