there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
