I wish I could punch you in the face.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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