she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
