It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
