Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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