got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
