I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
bring money and cleavage
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
