I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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