I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
