I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
