Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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