I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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