i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
