So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i need some magic done to my vagina
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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