did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There r osticjed everywhere
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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