What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
