Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
