the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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