I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
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Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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