She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
