she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
