You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
