did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
