I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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