Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
