Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
