Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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