Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
