Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
