My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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