I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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