If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
