i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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