hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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