non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
