There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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