My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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