Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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