my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
