my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
