I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
