I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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