you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
