know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
