Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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