In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
