Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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